Missed
by Kage kioku aji tenshi
Summary: Bilbo has a long talk with Thorin. Canon character death. I almost made myself cry.


Bilbo has a long talk with Thorin.

Canon character death.

I almost made myself cry.

* * *

"I planted it, the acorn from Beorn's." Bilbo spoke softly, the wind carrying the words away from him as he closed his eyes. "It's just a small little sprout right now, barely two green leaves, but it will grow, you know, as all plants do. Great big trees start out so small and grow into great big things. It makes me think of memories, how many memories can a single tree hold, many of them last decades or longer. Long after the Dwarrows of your mountain forget what was lost our tree will remember both what was lost and what was found."

Bilbo sighed, "I sing sometimes, while I water the sprout, sometimes songs from the Shire and sometimes I find myself singing a song from long ago, a song that thirteen Dwarrows sand in my living room and that convinced me to run after them. Sometimes I cannot bear to sing, my voce cracks and the water that douses the sprout falls from my eyes instead of the watering can. when I cannot bear to sing I share memories, the trolls, Fili and Kili's laughter, Bofur's jokes, things you spoke to me of, like your sister, your brother, your father. I even find myself speaking of the Dragon, how the gold sparkled on it's scales, the rasp in it's voice. I have never been able to speak of the Arkenstone, not the way it shone from within, not the dazzling way the light hit it, and certainly not the madness it carried with it.

"I seem to find myself focusing on the good things and editing out the bad, or down playing it, perhaps it is because I do not wish to forget the moments of joy we managed to find along our journey."

Bilbo opened his eyes and looked up at the sky, "I find myself forgetful as of late, I know your eyes were blue but te shade eludes me, were they pieces of the sky or were they shards of the saphires that your people so covet, was your hair coal streaked with silver or onyx lined with mithral? I don't know. But I remeber the warmth that surrounded me when you hugged me after I saved your life, I remember the ice that filled me when you found I traded the stone away.

"I think a little part of me died with you, there are no adventures left to be had by me, nor do I want any, thank you, no more, I do not think I could bear another loss like the one that you became. I am sorry that I helped you regain your home only to have you buried there, I am sorry that your voice will never fill your halls again with the laughter that must have once ran through it, I am sorry that our adventure ended so tragically."

Bilbo let his head fall down to be buried in his knees, tears soaking his trousers. He rested his head there a moment before he lifted his head and scrubbed his eyes.

"You would be proud of Fili, he has the making of a great king, he managed to convince me to stay a little while, the winter at least. Perhaps I'll convince Kili to come with me to the Shire for the spring and summer, I think the peacefulness will do his heavy heart good. He wears his crown with a sorrow I can't describ and a weariness that he should not yet have. Their physical woulds from the battle have healed but not even time can heal the ones upon their hearts, we all feel it, some more than most.

"I find myself with company on occasion, Bofur and Bifur come and wittle in their free time, Ori comes and either writes of knits, it is quite the sight to seen Dwalin wearing a knit sweater when he comes, he has taken to telling the sprout stories of your youth when his heart aches with your loss, I have not the strength to tell him that sometimes I sit hidden and listen to them. Bombur brings food when I have forgotten, Nori sometimes follows me and sits in the shadows listening to me ramble on and on, Dori sits near and pets my hand. Balin likes to speak at length as well, as though he is still prepareing you for the roll you never got to take. Gloin has come once or twice but is more likely to fill his time with his wife and son, Oin has been busy with the injured from the battle and the reconstruction, I have not seen him here.

"Kili often sits with me, he leans against my shouder and cries as I speak, on days I cannot bring myself to speak he whispers memories of you from his childhood and I am the one that cries. Fili drifts in during the nights when he cannot sleep or he is unsure of what is the right thing to do, Balin and I try to guide him and Dis is a great help when he needs guidance in court but he comes to you when his heart is tired and his crown sinks heavy on his brow.

"He cannot bring himself to wear the one you did, he said it is yours and crafted himself a new one and one for Kili, and Kili made a crown of flowers for me, and when they died he made them in gemstones, he said that it was something that you wanted to do, a little bit of the Shire in the Mountain, he said that it was fitting that the Consort under the Mountain have a crown.

"How can I be the Consort under the Mountain when you are not King, how can I wear a crown of flowers not made by your hands." Bilbo stroked the carved tomb, "They laid you rest in a part of the Mountain that opens out, I can see the sky sitting by yor side, I can see the land speading out as far as I can see, Fili refused to say why you were laid here in this spot but I know that it is so that when it comes time for me to join you I will have fresh air and flowers blooming around my own tomb. I am not a fool, nor are you sister-sons as subtle as they think. Perhaps, I will bring flowers from my home to decorate yours."

Bilbo leaned back against the tomb and let his eyes close, "I miss you, Thorin, why did you leave us?"

* * *

Kili watched as Bilbo spoke to Thorin from the entrance, now he knew why Bilbo had not worn the flower crown he made and refused to wear the gemstone one, Kili sniffled and scrubbed his eyes before he turned away, he could convince his mother to let Bilbo stay here a little longer, the Guildmasters could wait or he could try and help but Bilbo was in no state to aide them at the moment.

He had been holding up so well in publc, so well that there were whispers that he had not truly loved Thorin from the Dwarrows that filled their Mountain, not the company of course, they had all seen the depth of Bilbo's love, what greater love was there than to sacrifice one's happiness for their survival?

Even his mother wondered if the depth of Bilbo's devotion to sitting by Thorin's grave was guilt rather than love. How could any of them explain, how could they tell her that the Hobbit that stood with them, walked with them, and counciled them was a pale imitation of the Hobbit that had traveled with them to take back their home.

Bard at least never asked after Bilbo's absences and never spoke up in curiosity when Bilbo drifted away in the middle of a meeting. Surprisingly, neither did Thranduil, but he would watch Bilbo go his eyes filled with sympathy and pain of his own.

Kili swallowed and entered the room his mother waiting in, he would convince her to leave Bilbo alone today.

* * *

I had an angst attack, I am so, so sorry.


End file.
